There is nothing we do without a reason. What is yours? Do you feel like you are enough?
Are You Enough?
– Open Wound or Bed of Roses –
There is nothing we do without a reason. Even the smallest of actions has a reason behind it and that reason is deeply rooted into our subconscious and plays around with sensitive buttons implanted into our brains and hearts from a very early age. Somebody once asked me why I’m doing this painting thing – what’s in it for me? I thought about it for a while – the answer is not as straightforward as one might imagine. What do I want?
I want to be seen and especially heard. It hasn’t happened my whole life and without realizing it I’ve always felt it as a huge lack. I never felt important, I never really felt loved and I surrounded myself with people who’ve never really seen me for who I really am or who didn’t care who I really was. I was choosing them so they would fit my comfort zone. And this way I managed to go further and further from what my soul really wanted. Also, I’ve never really seen myself, to the point that I forgot who I am and what I want. I am on a path of finding who I really am, what I really want and sharing this with the world. It’s not about having all the answers, it’s about searching for them together.
Art is my therapy, it always has been. The process itself can pull me out of some deep rooted anxiety and self-destructive behaviors. It gives me clarity and hope. The energy that I put into my paintings stays with them. The moment I put color to canvas, the painting no longer belongs to me. The raw materials do, but the finished work doesn’t. It is constructed by the universe and it lives without my help. The energy it gathers is almost palpable. You might not know what a painting does when it comes into your life, but you have chosen it for a reason, even if that reason is not apparent at first. The creative process or just being with the result of the creative process has the same outcome as being in nature. When the universe is involved, you take away from its energy and make it yours.
My purpose is not to sell you my paintings, it is to paint and share my path and energy with the world. Who am I to help you? Nobody. I just want to pay forward what was offered to me in moments of great darkness: a helping hand, friendship and hope. Maybe not even hope, just somebody there to hold my hand. Maybe there are some of you who don’t have that friend at that moment. Maybe that moment is so dark that you really cannot see the light. I cannot even tell you that there is a light. But I can tell you that there is always somebody who can hold your hand in the darkness. Even if that somebody is just a virtual somebody, just a painting, just a kind word come from afar.
It took me a long time to find what people identify as calling. I wasn’t even searching. And one day it just found me. After many days of extreme happiness, deep sadness, elation, grief and everything in between, it found me at my desk, wasting time with my corporate life. It spoke to me and it took me a while to answer, but I knew I would. I was waiting to catch my breath because I was so swept off my feet.
What found me wasn’t painting. I’d been painting for a long time by now. It was SHARING. Sharing art, sharing joy, sharing pain. Open wound or bed of roses, whatever comes. Authenticity, honesty and trust that I am enough. Sharing with the world that each of us is enough. Knowing that there is no lack in our completeness. That WE ARE ONE.