Sometimes it’s just so easy to lose ourselves from the very first moment we open our eyes into a new day. And without even thinking twice, we stay that way, trapped inside a self-made reality. We crave connection, yet we do our best we miss it…
Connection – do you really want it?
-Let’s Get into Character –
Sometimes it’s just so easy to lose ourselves from the very first moment we open our eyes into a new day. And without even thinking twice, we stay that way, trapped inside a self-made reality.
I wake up from an intense dream that I remember almost nothing of. There were doors, a lot of doors on this looong bile colored corridor. Doors, therefore choices, says my analytical mind. I also remember so much water. Clear, deep, vast, green, sickening. They say that water is the symbol of the unconscious. I’ve been seeing a lot of it lately and it makes perfect sense even if it isn’t true. This unconscious gets into everybody’s business.
The cats are hungry, scratching at the door. I pull myself out from that parallel world and realize I am as hungry as they are. With the same hunger that has haunted me and the rest of us since the beginning of time: hunger for connection. The cats are restless. I feed them biscuits and attention and run back to bed. I try to get back in the dream and reconnect to that world, in a desperate attempt to solve whatever was happening behind any of those doors. It’s useless… I can no longer go to that space.
I remember an old boyfriend of mine once told me how he was yearning for connection, yet he was the most unconnected person I’ve ever known. He never knew how he felt and he would always protect himself from everything around and especially inside him; this way he was making sure there is no connection and he stays in his disengaged drama.
So many times, when we say we want to connect, we only want to be accepted. And when we say we want to be accepted, we just want our mask to be accepted. We say we want to be loved for who we really are, but nobody knows who we really are. When somebody comes along and loves us for our real self we are angry and resentful towards them, because they saw us for who we really are. And as long as we need a mask, we don’t love our real self, so we cannot accept anybody else’s love for it or anybody else seeing it. We hide so much that our mask becomes bigger than us and we forget what is behind it. How can anybody accept you when you never show the real you? It is not others who don’t accept you or love you. It is you. Only you. Others don’t care, they are busy not accepting themselves.
I remember this one guy in a group of friends who was always boasting about how cool he was, how ruthless he was, etc., faces that I’ve seen a lot of scared people put on. Some people believed in the mask, but I was one of the ones who didn’t and I told him: ”there is no need to play this part, you are great just the way you are, we all like you anyway, with your own personality, it’s perfect just the way it is”. Needless to say that he’s been hating me ever since and it was one of the last times I ever saw him. I was offering something he didn’t know he needed or he really did not need at that point in his life: appreciation for his real self, when the poor man was just asking for recognition for his elaborate mask.
It was an important lesson to me, to just stop trying to give people what they are not asking for just because I consider that they should have it. A lesson I am still struggling with.
The connection we long for is the connection to ourselves. Unless we manage that one, connecting to anyone else is like trying to connect to a metal statue. Interesting, but cold and useless. There is no connection with others, because there are no others. We are one, therefore when we connect to ourselves we also connect to the other. That is the moment when we instantly understand that the other is also myself.