I’m tired… The following thoughts are mainly for myself. Just extra proof that when you give advice to somebody else, you are actually giving advice to yourself.
Working on yourself is a tricky thing. I honestly don’t know why anybody would embark on this task. Truth is, nobody really embarks knowingly on it. At some point you just realize you are there, working. Faster or slower, everybody at their own pace. My pace is not the fastest. But part of the work is accepting it for what it is.
At some point during the journey, you really want to get off. But once you started, that is no longer possible. Once you opened the door to that road, going back is not an option. Many times you think you went back. Things are happening so slowly or are so dark that you can’t imagine that this is part of it. But it is. Took me a long time to understand that. There are no wrong moves. Just the journey.
It seemed to me that it has ups and downs. And it does. But it’s not just that. It’s actually an upward spiral, with ups and downs on it. You revisit the same issue over and over again. Every time you return there, you’ve learned something more, you get the chance to apply it and a new fold of the same issue unravels. So, new work for you! So many times you just don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel anymore. And you see no progress. But slowly but surely, others see it. You become somebody else.
And because you are somebody else, things in your life start to change. Notice people’s reaction to you. Some will get angry. Some will be bewildered and ask you to get back to your former self, because who you are now no longer matches who they are. Many people will leave you or you will leave them. Relationships of any kind will be affected: your family, your love life, your friendships, the lady at the farmer’s market you buy your tomatoes from, all of them. You will lose people. Keep that in mind and if that bothers you, you are not yet ready for that step. But it will come whether you want it or not, no matter how much you try to hold on to things or people that are not meant for you.
There are also some relationships that will get better. Do not count on those, however. Just keep to your journey and let it unfold naturally.
You will go through some painful moments. When your old self dissolves, the deeper you are in survivor mode, the more pain you will experience. Just remember when you go through it to be aware to welcome it with joy. It is a wonderful sign that the old systems that kept you stuck in a destructive place are breaking down and changing towards who you want to be and what you want to experience.
This happened as a smooth process for very few people. Most probably you won’t be one of them. So expect a serious dark night of the soul. Or several… However, at the end of that, there is light. At least for a while. And when you get out of it, you will know without a doubt that it was all worth it. Don’t give up in the middle of the road, don’t lose your mind and just walk the path. Just keep in mind you can’t go wrong. Because there is no end to this path. Most probably you will not wake up one day enlightened. This is all about the journey. Stop chasing shadows, just enjoy the ride.