I’m writing this outside on a terrace. The temperature is perfect, the music is just right and my honey ginger lemonade soothes the soul as well as the stomach. 5 meters away from me there’s this couple who looks so flawless in every way that I just sit and stare. They sit next to each other, talking intimately. He has one of those man buns and a crooked smile and she’s wearing a beige soft knit dress and an air of femininity that just makes me want to comb her hair. I stare so hard that they notice and I blush and look away. I laugh out loud. No idea what they’re thinking, probably that I’m a stalker and I don’t dare look again. It was a beautiful moment that just needed to be incorporated into the fullness of it all.
But what is this about?
Autumn took me by surprise this year. It arrived suddenly and with a kick, right as I came back from my summer vacation in Spain. I came back from full summer right into crisp fall. It was a nasty surprise but it was followed by something so beautiful that it was all worth it. So worth it that it made me feel that everything, my whole life this far was a waste of autumns!
The second and truly wonderful magnificent surprise was that for the first time in my life I love autumn… I told everybody with such excitement in my voice that only true magic and new beginnings can give you.
So far autumn meant one thing. The end of summer, my favorite season. The end of life. Death falling from trees. The end of fun, the end of sun kissed mornings and late nights. The death of joy.
But now… now everything is just perfect. The leaves falling in the breeze look like rust flowers. There is a sweetness and a peace in the afternoon light that I just feel like bathing in the liquid gold of a unicorn’s soul. Nietzsche was so right when he said that autumn is a season of the soul, not of nature. I just wasn’t on the same vibrational length. But now I am and I’m so grateful, it’s like an amazing gift that I received without being aware that I wanted it.
I don’t know what exactly happened in my outside world to make me feel this way but I have a guess that it has something to do with a lot of inner work coming to fruition. A lot of felt feelings, some of them mixed up, some clear as day, so many emotions come to term, ripened like royal orange pumpkins.
I’ve been so violently happy that I kind of separated myself from the world. Not completely, but I didn’t go out or interacted with others much. Everything is so perfect that I don’t feel the need to search for happiness or completion outside of myself. I sit at home alone. I paint. I read, I write. And most of all, I laugh. I’m laughing so hard and often that the neighbors probably think I might have finally lost it.
I probably finally started to like autumn because I’ve finally let my creativity unravel and dive into the energy of autumn, the most artistic season of all. It’s a sum of contrasts and as my conflicted nature is finally accepted, it can connect to the fall’s conflicts: delight and goodbyes. Experiencing the joy of letting go and accepting what is in all its forms: color carnival as well as piercing rain.
Looking forward to the rainy poetry of November, but until then I plan to revel and celebrate everything that fall has to offer. I looked up what other people love about autumns and I made this list:
- Crisp mornings (my favorite time of the day).
- Harvest with all its childhood memories.
- Changing leaves and all the warm colors that I didn’t feel close to so far: the golds, yellows, rusty browns, pumpkin oranges, mulled wine burgundies.
- Deep soul drenched sunsets.
- Warm rooibos tea and hot cocoa.
- Big sweaters, boots and fluffy socks.
- Messy hair (ok, this one is year round for me).
- Bonfires with warm faces and cold backs, cuddled in scarves and blankets.
- Cuddling (oh, yes, the cuddling)
- Pumpkin carving and my favorite holiday, Halloween
- Apple picking and the sweetest most flavorful apple pie
- Scented candles and good books
All of the above will be mine this year. I’ve already started.
“If a year was tucked in a clock then autumn would be magic hour.” (Victoria Erickson)