The world is a cesspool of bad advice that sounds like good advice.

‘Just be yourself’ is on that list, together with ‘Love means never having to say you’re sorry’, a line that killed more relationships than bad breath.

There is one area of life that is vital to our happiness, and most of us are disastrous at it. I’m talking about relationships.

At work, in the bedroom, at school, in the family, wherever we are, the world is a network of people that we want to (or have to) relate with. And we fail miserably.

We crave connection, but we lack soft skills, compassion, and empathy. We imagine we can never have them, but the truth is no one ever taught us how. Other people don’t know either. So we give each other awful advice that keeps us stuck, lonely, and poor.

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‘They keep telling me to be myself! But who do they think I am?!’

When Ryan arrived at my office for therapy, he was already so angry and fed up with bad advice he was considering calling it quits.

Ryan was a hopeless romantic and introverted soul who was dying for the love of a woman who gets him, with all his quirks, reclusive nature, and playing WoW until 4 in the morning.

That woman, however, was hard to find. What was easy to find was the constant reminder of friends and family to just be himself and love will somehow magically find him.

They couldn’t be more wrong. For 2 reasons: love doesn’t come knocking at your door to take you in her arms at 4 AM, ignoring the pizza stains on your dirty T-shirt. That only happens in movies.

Also, Ryan has been himself since day one and until the day he stepped into my practice. He wouldn’t even know how to be somebody else. So why didn’t it happen for him then?

This is why ‘just be yourself’ doesn’t work for people:

1. Being fake is not the reason they’re single

People aren’t single because they’ve been putting on a mask. Ryan was not trying to impress any woman by pretending to be a rich guy, good in bed, or all the other tricks men imagine work on women.

On the contrary — he was a smart guy who was pretty much an open book. No pickup artist lines, no sliding into their DMs with ridiculous compliments, no tooting his own horn, none of that.

So why didn’t they just want him for himself?

There’s one simple reason and you’re going to hate me for it. But it’s real and reality is very cruel sometimes.

Not everything we are is good enough for others to want. 

Harsh, I know. But true. And here’s why you shouldn’t be offended by it.

2. It implies that they shouldn’t change.

There’s nothing more comforting to people than hearing that they shouldn’t change to get what they want. There is also nothing more wrong.

Change is the fuel of success.

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None of us would have had any of the accomplishments that we have today without changing. Even our ability to walk happened because we were willing and encouraged to change from our initial state of helpless baby to walking baby.

Imagine a person who lives on the streets: he is dirty, smelly, missing a few teeth, and about half his heroin-soaked brain cells. He’s violent and screaming obscenities into the crowd. But he wants to go to bed with you. Would you like that?

Don’t answer. I know you wouldn’t.

It’s an extreme example, but it gets the point across.

If what you’ve been doing hasn’t been working, you should definitely change! Why is changing yourself such an insult?

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So if ‘just be yourself’ doesn’t work, should you be somebody else? The short answer is no. 

The long answer is also no, but you need to improve some aspects of yourself. The core remains the same.

Here’s what really works:

Change works. Change always works. You just need to do it smart, not hard.

How should you change? Let’s keep it single. I mean simple. Damn it!

1. Start with the physical.

You don’t need to be Chris Hemsworth/ Scarlett Johansson or insert celebrity crush of choice here. But you do need to look like you care.

Just think of Charlize Theron in Atomic Blonde vs. Monster. Which one do you want to take home? People who answered Monster please stop trolling.

Same person, different results, right? So wouldn’t you want to be atomic rather than monstrous?

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This is what you can do to be atomically hot in 6 months:

Take a shower. Change that ugly brown T-shirt with the holes in it. Spray some perfume on. Do something about that Hagrid hair. Drop the pizza, grab the broccoli. Go to the gym. Ladies (and even some gentlemen), put some make-up on.

And repeat. 

Repeat until you look in the mirror and you want to take your own atomic ass home.

If There’s Only One Thing You Should Know About Yourself, It’s This

2. Continue with the emotional

I started with the physical because it’s the first thing people see and if they can’t get through that you don’t stand a chance for them to know the rest of you.

But the emotional part is far more important.

Here are the basics:

Confidence

Don’t be needy, even if you are. I couldn’t overstate this enough. Don’t you dare be needy.

That doesn’t mean you’re the next person who goes up on stage, takes the mic from the singer, and starts screaming a few tunes.

You don’t need to be extrovert of the year to be confident. You can be shy, you can be introverted, you can be quiet. You can be Keanu Reeves if you want to.

Just don’t be needy. Don’t live your life at other people’s feet, desperately grasping for their attention and putting them on a pedestal. Keep your shoulders and standards up.

Trust that you have value and even if they reject you, you’re going to be ok. 

If they don’t want you, walk away. Stop begging, start trusting.

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Positivity

Not insanely positive, like a pink chihuahua on Speed, just keep it within healthy boundaries.

If you’re always talking crap about the world, yourself, and everybody else, why would anyone want to be around you?

Stop whining, stop complaining, and just give it your best shot. Everybody knows the world is unfair. It’s unfair to us all, it didn’t choose you specifically.

And if life dealt you some bad cards, people will admire you so much more if you overcome them. Society loves an underdog who overcomes all odds.

Humor

Don’t go to comedian levels, just don’t be dull.

One of the best things you can do is to not be boring. And the easiest way to do that is to make people feel at ease. 

How?

Do not, I repeat, do not turn into the group clown who can’t have a real conversation and only speaks in sarcasm, jokes, and limericks. That’s a huge sign of insecurity.

Make a joke, people laugh, everybody feels good, people want to be around you. Add to that a self-sufficient nature that’s not easily phased by life’s hardships, and a clean-smelling tight body, and bam, you got them.

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You’ll notice people will stop telling you to ‘just be yourself and it will happen for you’. Because before you know it, it’s already happened. 

And you were already being yourself. With a little caveat: the best version of you.

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