For most of my life I haven’t really been taking care of myself and my own wishes. I ignored what my soul really wanted for so long until at some point I no longer heard its call. I took care of others and their needs without even realizing I was doing it to such extent. I didn’t really know what I wanted for myself. I didn’t really know who I was anymore. Until one day, as it usually happens when you are in such denial, everything started to come apart: all my relationships started going from bad to worse. And so was my emotional state. And then my health severely deteriorated. That’s when I knew something was seriously amiss.
I had eye surgery and a break up and started searching. I didn’t even know what I was searching for but I knew I was on a path. I guess I was searching for my own personal path. I let everybody around me go or I was becoming so different that they were letting me go. My health got worse: flues, fever, allergies and some demons from hell came along to use me as their football. I tried hypnosis. Once again my world was upside down and I had a very strange feeling that I’ve never had before. It was a mix of anxiety and impatience and not understanding anything. It was like I was inside a snow globe that’s been turned upside down and placed back and everything is in disarray, snow floating about, figurines all confused. I was a confused figurine in a stormy snow globe. Like a huge reality shift and you no longer know anything about anything. Hypnosis helped, the demons went away. The allergies stayed, followed by skin reactions.
I started meditation: 2 sessions a day, morning and evening. And this is how the best time of my life began. I’ve never been happier. I’ve never been more connected to the universe and everything around me. I truly had the unmistakable feeling that we are all one and there is nothing missing, that I am at the heart of creation and so is everybody else. It was pure bliss. I was alive, I was the source of life and the infinitesimal piece of dust at the same time. It was perfect. Perfect doesn’t even being to describe it. And then I came back to earth. I lost that feeling and I felt it like one of the biggest losses of my life. But it was not in vain. Autumn came and winter came. But not alone. Autumn came with finding my true calling. And winter came with quitting my job so I can pursue it.
I never thought I would find it. I didn’t think I had a true calling, although in one form or another it has been by my side for such a long time. I just didn’t have eyes for it, as I was looking at whatever and whoever else but myself.
But then I knew: painting, art and especially sharing the process with the world. It’s been my therapy so many times and it continues to be by my side whenever I need it. I’m still searching. I still don’t know who I am completely. I am far from where I want to be, but I know I am on my path and not somebody else’s.
This is NOT about ART.
Abstract painting, acrylics, mixed media, sitting down with your canvas waiting for inspiration, all that will be a part of it all. But it would be just scratching the surface of something much deeper. This is about the ecstasy of painting, the exploring of everyday magic, about seeking the light in the shadow and the mystical feminine running free. This is about finding the beauty and magic in the mundane. About reaching out to the universe, paintbrush in hand or not, tears streaming down your face or a big happy smile, and taking a leap of faith into the unknown of yourself. It is not about being unafraid, but about being afraid and living it anyway. About life, love, art and the pain and joy you can encounter with every heartbeat. It is about embracing your shadow and shining your light. It is about finding a path, your path, of the real, RAW YOU.