Should you tell the truth?

You know what they say, that women never tell the truth to your face? Well, I guess whoever said that hasn’t met me. I’m too direct for my own good. And I’m proud of it.

However, what they say is true: most women hardly ever tell you directly what they mean and men keep wondering why not. There’s a very good explanation for that:

Reason no. 1 (most common, but less dramatic)

Women are raised to be relationship-oriented and empathic.

And when you grow up carrying the responsibility for what everybody else feels, you learn to think twice about telling them exactly what’s on your mind, because you know it might hurt them. And it’s the last thing you want to do.

Your (natural or learned) nurturing nature keeps you from telling harsh truths straight to someone’s face because those truths hurt. 

And when you put yourself in their shoes and feel what they’re feeling, it really stops you from delivering whatever is on your mind. So you keep it in.

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Reason no. 2 (not uncommon, but vital)

It’s not safe for women to be direct.

Women can get killed for telling men the truth.

Here are a few examples:

• Man stabbed his wife to death aboard a cruise ship and tells witness: “She would not stop laughing at me.”
• 32-year-old man killed estranged wife and 7 other adults at a family cookout because she filed for divorce.
• 29-year-old Pittsburgh woman fatally shot by a stranger from a local bar after she repeatedly rejected his sexual advances.
• College student shot in the face at point-blank range by a man she rejected after he began dancing on her at a local festival in Brooklyn.
• North Carolina student murdered by a hitman employed by her NFL star boyfriend while 8 months pregnant with her first child because she refused to abort their baby.
• Detroit woman shot to death by a stranger after she refused to give him her phone number.
• Girlfriend fatally shot by boyfriend after she refused to allow him to have full custody of their daughter should they split up.

I only chose 7 random examples, and only from the US. But there are tons, all over the world.

If you think these are extreme examples that only happen once in a blue moon, and women shouldn’t use them as an excuse to be careful with our words, how many times do you need it to happen to you to be a threat to your life? Believe me, once is enough.

Also, these are not extreme examples. They only resulted in extreme consequences.

In real life all of us know at least one woman who had to deal with violence and harassment from men in her lifetime. Let that sink in. All of us know at least one. And more often than not, that one woman is ourselves.

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So then why do I refuse to be careful with my words and protect myself?

For one simple reason: shutting up doesn’t help.

Obedience breeds abuse.

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Women who are most often victims of domestic violence are the meek and submissive ones, the ones who protect feelings no matter what happens, the ones careful not to anger or cause conflict.

Abusers love it when you keep your eyes down and your opinions to yourself. They know how to turn you into a submissive slave and like it when they accomplish that goal. It just becomes easier for them to abuse you. 

No matter how much of a good girl you become, he will find new reasons to abuse you, because that’s his very purpose. 

He doesn’t keep you around as a partner, he keeps you around to abuse you. And the more obedient you are, the more he’ll do it. 

Because he likes it. And because he can.

There used to be a time when I wasn’t telling the truth for the same reasons most women aren’t. I would always choose to protect people’s feelings from my truths.

But as I grew up and developed self-empathy and learned a thing or 2 about how people function, I noticed that although I cared about their feelings, they couldn’t care less about mine. 

On the contrary. I attracted the opposite of myself: people who took pleasure in whiplashing me with the truth and hurting my feelings while I was protecting theirs.

It was a bitter discovery, but a fair one: I was responsible for my own well-being.

So I decided truth, together with freedom, are my main values.

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When I started putting them into practice, the toxicity around me started to dissipate.

Now I no longer keep in my life people who have a bad relationship with the truth, being direct, or asking for what they need (usually abused women).

I also no longer keep around people who can’t tolerate me being direct, telling the truth, or asking for what I need (usually abusive men).

Is it worth it? 

Here’s what I gained from it: clarity, peace of mind, less drama, happiness, being myself.

Here’s what I suffered from it: violent reactions, confusion, people leaving.

Telling the blunt truth is like turning into a werewolf in public: people gasp and run. Unless they’re werewolves themselves.

What is also possible at some point in the future is to one day meet one of these guys who will end me because I said no to him in a very open fashion and without offering soft cushioning for his hurt feelings. But chances are higher for that if I keep my head down.

So I guess I made the right choice. Time will tell.