This is for all the desperate men out there.
Do you know that moment when she sighs, rolls her eyes, turns her back, and starts talking to her friends, and you feel your heart sink and die inside you, but you keep talking just so they think you’re unfazed?
If you’re a man, I know you’ve been there.
And that’s because plenty of men confessed it to me while the features of their faces turned into Play-Doh and melted to the ground right in front of my eyes.
I know how painful it is. And I also know it can be prevented.
When Jared came into my office and plopped himself on my orange velvet chair, he let out a huge sigh that foretold nothing good.
It wasn’t the first time we met. Actually, I had just met Jared the previous weekend, when he tried to pick up one of my friends with a few cheesy lines and an expensive watch that he kept showing off on his wrist.
I can already hear the sighs and see the eye rolls of the readers, especially if they’re ‘of the female persuasion’.
Unfortunately, Jared didn’t see the problems in his behavior, since the internet abounds in ill-conceived advice for men, who are pushed to either be the ‘protect and provide’ kind, or nothing at all.
To my friend, no matter how hard he tried, Jared was nothing at all.
She saw what he was doing and was utterly unimpressed. She was polite, but firm. She gave him an assertive ‘no’ and gradually stopped answering his unwelcomed questions.
One week later, Jared was in for a therapy session, asking for advice.
‘You know, this is not the first time this is happening to me’, he said. ‘It’s been happening a lot lately! Whatever I do, women either reject me or sometimes even laugh in my face. What am I doing wrong? I feel like I can never get a woman’s respect, no matter how hard I try!’
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Jared wasn’t the only one in this situation. I constantly get men in my chair complaining that they’re trying hard and women just don’t acknowledge their efforts.
And the truth is… they are right. Plenty of women are completely unimpressed by the game these guys play and they get ignored big time.
And for good reason. The game they play doesn’t inspire anyone’s respect.
For a woman respect is one of the crucial components of her relationship with a man.
If a woman doesn’t respect you, she most probably won’t be attracted to you. She won’t trust you. She won’t want you around as a partner.
And what leads to this lack of respect?
I’m sorry to say that how she feels about you is a reflection of your attitude towards yourself. Women have an uncanny capacity to mirror your subconscious back to yourself.
Here’s why Jared couldn’t get a woman’s respect, attention, and company.
1. He was immature and entitled.
One of the things Jared said to my friend was that he was looking for a woman to take care of him.
I was stunned but kept it to myself. It was nothing new, I’ve heard it before as well. My friend, however, had an eye roll so strong that I thought her eyes might pop out of her head and roll onto the floor.
Jared, however, kept on with his tactics: he likes women who take care of their men, cook, make the man feel good.
The strange part is, that my friend is a traditional woman who has taken care of her man in all her relationships. She loves to cook and make her man feel loved and taken care of.
However, she had no intention of doing that for someone who was so entitled to having that.
And while asking for what you want is a fair deal, how you ask is just as important.
Sense the tone:
‘Shut up, I’m the king in this house!’
‘I always feel most loved when a woman treats me like a king, and I have a chance to treat her as my queen.’
Not the same, right?
The way Jared was asking sounded like he had the right to a woman cooking for him and taking care of him, and he was just laying it out there as a fact of life.
The truth is there is only one category of the population who are entitled to that treatment: children. Children, however, get no respect, because they’re not self-sufficient.
2. He was oblivious to her needs and wants.
Following my friend’s eye roll and sigh, somebody who was paying attention or who cared for how she felt, would have known to back off and leave my friend alone.
Jared, however… just kept talking, laughing, flashing the big expensive watch, and having the time of his life. He was entertaining himself and didn’t for a second notice that he was the clown at the party.
He was playing a game that impressed nobody and didn’t stop for a second to read the room. Was this the right game to play? Should he go on? Did the expensive watch work?
No, it didn’t. Not everybody is impressed with expensive stuff and not every woman chooses a partner based on how much he earns.
Actually, these days most women will choose someone who is good company, someone they can connect with, and someone who is a good match rather than the provide and protect kind.
There’s a simple explanation for that: women can make their own money, and there’s no need for men to provide food and shelter anymore, so they will stay single until they find someone they feel will complement their life in non-financial ways.
As for the protection part, women will choose a pepper spray, taser, or even a gun as protection, because a weapon is never entitled, nor do you have to cook for it.
Yes, we live in an ever-evolving world. Protection and providing are no longer necessary. Soft skills and communication and vital though.
3. He was manipulative.
There are 2 kinds of manipulation: the kind that gets you what you want and the kind that gets you ridicule.
Unless you’re a master manipulator, don’t even try to manipulate a woman into… well, basically into anything. She will see right through you and you’ll instantly lose her respect.
If the woman you’re trying to manipulate is smarter or more manipulative than you, she will despise you for this tactic. There’s nothing that backfires faster than lame manipulation tactics.
Jared was trying out this method known as ‘‘negging’’: an attempt to insult or undermine (someone) in the belief that diminished self-confidence will make them more receptive to advances.
It was absolutely ridiculous to watch and although my friend had no idea that negging was actually a thing, she was immediately repulsed by this attitude and stopped talking to him.
What Jared was doing wasn’t natural, it was just a cheap game spiced with some pick-up artist tricks, insecure moves, and a lot of lame pseudo-psychology.
I’m not saying that they don’t work on some women, but usually not on the ones you want. Also, usually, they don’t work on the grounded and emotionally healthy women that you want in your life.
Getting respect is a subtle attitude that has nothing to do with how much money you have or how flashy your life is.
Respect, just like seduction, has everything to do with how you make others feel.
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