…and why they don’t need to be.
The dating wars are on and no one is willing to drop the sword.
Or are they?
Well… let’s put it this way: there are a lot of sword (and other objects) waving going on. But more and more of the warriors on the feminine side are choosing a different strategy: they’re opting out.
You’d think that would immediately make them losers, right? If that’s the case, why are men mad as hell when women choose to quit dating?
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The main (but superficial) reason is obvious: it’s a knee-jerk reaction to rejection.
But the core reason is not as straightforward.
Men have been duped into seeing women a certain way. That’s something society has been doing wrong for a very long time.
Throughout history, women have been portrayed as having nothing else in mind except marriage and children.
How many times didn’t you hear a woman character in a movie saying the line ‘every little girl dreams of her wedding day’? I remember hearing it over and over again, and it stood out to me like a sore thumb, because never have I thought about that as a little girl.
It made me wonder who those girls were and how come their dreams were all connected to one day in their lives.
How many times was that line written by a woman though?
Not many, because there weren’t a lot of women writers in Hollywood. There weren’t a lot of women doing jobs outside the home in general. There weren’t any women available in the work field to represent what women were really thinking.
Who did most of the portraying though? Men: the people who had the pen and power.
Hollywood people, book authors, psychiatrists, all portrayed a woman obsessed with nothing else but marriage, motherhood, and men.
They weren’t entirely wrong though. If you take a look at online creators even today, you’ll see that the majority of people who talk about money are men, and the majority who talk about relationships are women.
But is it because it’s all they think about and all they desire? No, not at all. It’s because they were culturally conditioned to head in a certain direction.
Men were taught how to make money and be leaders, because that’s what society and women required of them, and women were taught how to take care of a family because that’s what society and men require of them.
So, when this huge segment of people who knew nothing else but relationships are suddenly opting out of them, there’s an immense gap in understanding, that naturally creates confusion and anger.
If women’s whole life is about marriage, family, and children, how come more and more of them are no longer interested?
And does that mean they are no longer interested in men in general?
Because when you draw the line, that’s where the pain point lies. Do women still want men?
The answer is: yes!
Women are still interested in men and relationships and they always will be. It’s ingrained in our nature.
They’re just looking for something else from men than they used to.
And because women are one step ahead of men on the path of this modern new world, there is a gap of men who can satisfy women’s current needs.
That’s where the misunderstanding (and anger) is.
No need to worry, though. This is not the end of our species. We’re just adapting and growing, and it’s been happening all throughout history.
Today, more and more women are single by choice. In 2018, that number was 41% for working women between the ages of 25 and 54. By 2030, it will rise to 45%, according to global leader in financial services Morgan Stanley.
And that’s absolutely natural, at least for the time being.
In about 2 generations, people will naturally find a middle ground and relationships will flourish again.
Society is going through great changes, gender roles are shifting, and during periods of great permutations people are reconsidering their priorities and options.
It’s very easy to say men are bad and we no longer want them or women are entitled and that’s why they no longer want men. But we are all products of our conditioning and a long history of evolution.
However, placing blame on either side is useless and will make this process of adapting to modern times even more difficult.
But the main reason why women are opting out of dating is that women and men grew differently.
Remember your high school friends? Remember how you said you’d be friends forever, and couldn’t imagine life without each other?
How many of them are your best friends now? Not many, right? Maybe none of them, and if you keep in touch it’s usually because you wouldn’t kill an old relationship that is not bothering anyone, although it’s empty and devoid of all meaning by now.
But did you stop being friends because the other person is now bad, stupid, ugly, or abusive? Most probably not. You stopped because you both grew differently. Now you have different priorities, interests, and lives and you no longer match.
That’s exactly what’s happening with men and women.
They grew differently, so they grew apart.
For thousands of years, relationships between men and women were based on very clear roles.
Men made the money, women took care of the household. Men were providers, women were nurturers.
Men with a softer more nurturing side were laughed at. Women venturing out into the work field were not taken seriously and sent back to the kitchen.
You know the drill.
Now these roles are changing. Women got out into the work field and are doing the providing themselves. More and more women are subscribing to roles that were traditionally masculine, while at the same time, they’re also doing the traditionally feminine roles.
Women are doing it all.
Men’s world as they know it is crumbling around them and they no longer feel they have a place in this modern society.
So men’s natural question is… ‘so what are we supposed to do’?
Well, guys, please don’t do anything that you don’t want to.
But if you feel inclined to do something, in order to adapt to the new conditions, you need to do the same as women. Do it all, but not at the same time.
Choose what fits your personality and do that.
If you’re a man who wants to provide for a woman, look for a woman who is into that. Don’t try to shove your providing down the throat of a hardcore modern woman who would rather spend her afternoons at the office rather than cook you dinner.
Women no longer need to be provided for. They can do that themselves. But some of them (plenty of them, actually) still want to be provided for.
If, on the contrary, you’re a man who always felt like you carry the world on your shoulders and nobody cares about you unless you take care of a woman financially, this is your time to shine.
This is the moment when you can put that burden down and see if the corporate girl from the previous paragraph doesn’t need some back rubs and emotional support from that supportive man she’s been looking for.
Believe me, she does.
The problem is that we still still haven’t reached a consensus on this. We haven’t settled into clear roles because we’re just making the transition from the old roles to the new ones, so we’re not doing any of them well.
Men who are looking to relax into their softer side still feel like they’re not valuable enough unless they’re the ones holding the reins, and women who are comfortable in a more active business role are still looking for someone who is just as driven as they are.
Or, even worse, they’re asking for what they want from people who aren’t willing to give them that. That’s why compatibility is so important. Find someone you’re a good match for.
Otherwise, you’ll forever blame others for bad relationships and keep waving imaginary swords.
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