And anecdotal examples from my practice.
Sexual fantasy is like a wild animal and animals don’t know sin.
But they also don’t know they’ve been highly conditioned by society to think, act, and feel a certain way and that shows through in studies that prove we are extraordinarily mundane even when it comes to our sexual fantasies.
That’s why it’s important to take these studies with a grain of salt and look at them as nothing more than useful guidance, but not a full manual.
However, they do offer some insight into women’s sexual fantasies, and I know just how much men crave to know what women want, especially when in comes to sexuality.
That’s also why I spiced up the study’s findings with some unconcealed, open, and juicy confessions of women I met in my practice, friends, and even cam girls.
Here are the top results, chosen from this list:
- I like to feel romantic emotions during sexual relationships — 92.2%
Ok, I’ll admit it, the first one comes as no surprise; I suppose everybody knows women love being in love and having sex fueled by romantic feelings.
But in case you thought men are some cold-hearted sexual miscreants who are only looking for personal sexual gratification… they’re not.
Romantic emotions during sex are also men’s most common sexual fantasy with a high percentage of 88.3.
2. Atmosphere and location are important in my sexual fantasies. — 86.4%
I have fantasized about having sexual intercourse in a romantic location (e.g. on a deserted beach) — 84.9%
I have fantasized about having sex in an unusual place (e.g.: in the office, public toilets) — 81.7%
I have fantasized about making love openly in a public place — 57.3%
I placed all these 4 fantasies on second place because they all have to do with location, a very important factor in women’s fantasies.
It can be a romantic location, which goes hand in hand with women’s preference for a romantic connection with their partner, or an exciting location, which appeals to women’s inclination towards experiencing thrill and adventure with their partners and pushes them to fantasize about sex in places where they can get caught, like the office or public toilets.
Some even take it one step further and make their fantasizing places fully public.
This reminded me of a dream a client of mine had. She called early one morning before my day even started. As I was sipping my black tea with a splash of oat milk, the phone rang and Val* told me in a screechy voice that she had an emergency. She needed to see me right away.
What was the big emergency? She had a dream that while she was walking home from work she slept with every man she met on the way.
And there were plenty of them.
There was the man who passed her by and they had sex against a tree on the side of the road, then 3 men who took turns in a public toilet that she entered to go to the bathroom.
Against the wall, with one leg on top of the sink, and in one of the stalls, right on the toilet. Then there was also the man who was fixing something in a sewer, and when she arrived home she also did every male neighbor on every floor of her apartment building.
Yup, Val* had quite a night and she woke up in a panic. She knew she didn’t want to do this in real life, so what exactly happened?
Nothing much. We all have fantasies that can be more or less dark or cringey, and we don’t want them to happen in real life. They can cause sexual arousal when they’re kept as fantasy, but would never be welcomed in real life.
3. I have fantasized about taking part in fellatio/ cunnilingus — 78.5
I have fantasized about giving fellatio — 72.1
Oral sex is always a huge part of sexual fantasies for both men and women, and it’s not just for the feeling of pure physical pleasure.
There are much deeper instruments at play there, that have to do with dominance, submission, but also feeling intimately connected with the person engaged in oral exchange.
Not being a fan of receiving oral (especially for women) may have a lot to do with not allowing yourself to receive, especially since oral is pure receiving without any giving.
However, that’s just an option. There are a myriad of reasons why you may not like it, one of them being that you’ve received it from people who are just bad at it.
Whichever it is, it’s important to find the right partner or teach them how to do it right.
4. I have fantasized about being masturbated by my partner. 71.4
I have fantasized about masturbating my partner. — 68.1
Self-explanatory, but worth noting that almost 8% more men fantasized about masturbating their partner than women did, which again falls into the active man passive woman trope.
However, the anecdotical evidence that I was exposed to was that people enjoy masturbation in any way, shape, or form it came to them. Pun intended.
While I was a cam girl trainer, one of the most common sexual fantasies men had was to see the cam girl masturbate with her hand or various sex toys to achieve an orgasm, and some of the guys would also open their camera so their virtual partner could see them masturbate.
They were fewer, though, and the reasons usually had to do with shame about being seen because they either didn’t consider themselves good enough or shame connected to the sexual act in general.
Sad but true.
5. I have fantasized about having sex with someone that I know who is not my spouse. — 66.3
17% more men fantasized about this, but it’s a common one for women as well, and no, it’s not because people are sexual deviants, but because people are social and sexual creatures.
It’s much more natural to be attracted to and fantasize about somebody you see daily, like a colleague, or your husband’s brother, than it is to fantasize about somebody passing you in the street.
That also happens, but the fantasy involving someone you know is more frequent because you have several chances at wanting him and forming a connection with him. And many times that connection is sexual.
Just consider how many widows go on to marry their dead husband’s friend or relative, or the much greater number of women cheating on their partner with the partner’s best friend, brother, or cousin.
6. I have fantasized about being dominated sexually — 64.6
I have fantasized about being tied up by someone in order to obtain sexual pleasure — 52.1
I have fantasized about dominating someone sexually — 46.7
For men, the numbers are a bit different: 53.3 fantasized about being dominated sexually, and 59.6 fantasized about dominating. Almost the same percentage dream about being tied up.
Considering our social conditioning, that’s nothing to be surprised by.
However, anecdotal evidence on the field tells a different story. At least the one in my field.
Cam girls know that there’s a massive number of men who want to be dominated one way or another and they just can’t find partners who are willing or able to do that.
There is also a massive number of men who don’t even dare confess this preference to their significant other for fear it would emasculate them.
From my experience in the kink scene, it’s very difficult to find good dominants of any gender. Men seem more inclined towards it and dare do it more, but the quality of the act is often low.
That’s why the women who are looking for sexually dominant men are also disappointed because Mr. Grey and his shades conditioned them to expect a certain kind of act and that’s not exactly what they get in real life.
7. I have fantasized about having sex with more than 3 people, both men and women — 56.5
A staggering difference between the genders here, with only 15.8% of men fantasizing about this. I bet this is not what you were expecting, and this is where I feel the study isn’t true to real world events.
Apparently men are not as interested in group sex as the world thought they would be, at least not in group sex with both men and women. But have no fear! Men are dying to have some group sex with 3 or more women (75.3% of male respondents have this as sexual fantasy). Just women. Now that was predictable.
The less predictable part is women’s fantasy about participating into what is basically an orgy.
But it was nothing new, considering that Rachel, one of my best friends, told me about her fantasy to participate in an orgy made of all the people at her work.
Colleagues, boss, cleaning crew, everyone. She would sometimes have this fantasy that right before lunch one of them (usually her) would get up, lock the doors and everyone would start stripping and proceeding to have sex with each other, or just watch others doing it.
Then everybody would have lunch and go on with their day and the world was a peaceful satisfying place. Would she have done that in real life? Absolutely not. But the fantasy made her day more exciting.
8. I have fantasized about having sex with a star or a well-known person. — 51.7
I remember how Michael Jackson used to say Madonna was jealous of him because women would faint at his concerts, but men wouldn’t do that at hers, because men just don’t feel that way.
He was wrong though: men wouldn’t faint because they’re too pumped and excited to be able to pass out, otherwise, men have an even higher percentage of sexual fantasies involving celebrities (by 10%!). Sorry, Michael.
Star fantasies among women are going rampant every time a new Channing Tatum movie comes out (preferably Magic Mike), or every time BTS are on stage. And after they are on stage. Or any other time they come to mind.
The most intense and unexpected mass fantasy involving a well-known person happened not too long ago when the war in Ukraine started and President Zelensky suddenly became the sexual fantasy of choice for half the female population.
My friend told me she had a fantasy that Zelensky would approach her, get on his knees, and ask her to allow him to give her oral sex until she came and then thank her for the honor. Oh, did I say my friend? I meant myself. Yeah, I remember now — that was me.
You can choose to take this study with a grain of salt or not, but one thing is for sure. As long as a woman has feelings for you and you take her to a deserted beach and give her masterful oral that makes her toes curl, you just hit the first three most common sexual fantasies.
To tell you the truth, I’m pretty sure you won’t go wrong with this combo no matter who this woman is and what her other fantasies are.
Does it feel like an insurmountable task? Then just do the oral right!